So This Is the Third Year-
I’m staring at social media™ and I think...what's the point in getting tested for COVID?
Everyone has it and will get it again because it mutates at the speed of light. Vaccinations are apparently a political decision. Not spending time with people who refuse vaccination turns you into a bad guy who is intolerant of other political beliefs when in reality you just don’t want to see people who are a self-reliant super spreader event because a lack of funding for public education over the past 30 years has made sure than everyone in America lacks very, very basic reading comprehension and critical thinking skills. Every “reputable” news source is hidden behind a paywall and half of those are ultimately The News brought to you by Jeff Bezos and Amazon™ :) . And even if people DID value journalism, no one can afford to pay for subscriptions to every local and/or national newspaper because either we have to go a job were we interact with people who are proudly unvaccinated or we have to work from home where every day you are reminded by your corporate overlords to take time for your Mental Health™ and you are never given help with that but the way that everyone keeps saying TAKE CARE OF YOUR MENTAL HEALTH TAKE CARE OF YOUR MENTAL HEALTH TAKE CARE OF YOUR MENTAL HEALTH just creates this static white noise in the background to inch you into madness but you wouldn’t even want to go enjoy a nice grippy-socks-vacation because to do so you’d have to spend days calling each place and seeing if your insurance covers it but they can’t tell you that so you have to call your insurance and naturally they’re all tied up (you know, because of everything). Making up new words to describe this moment in time feels productive. “Quarantine Fatigue.” A new dictionary of portmanteaus and gibberish generated by meme-culture and proliferated by a side-hustle mentality. The same automated regression that’s turning every online purchase into a payday loan. Why reinvent the wheel when you can just call it WHL and turn it into a commodity that turns into a verb (Hey I’m WHLing there, wanna split?) that settles so nice into the cracks and crevices of our brain that used to just…be space. Space, silence, room, time – not very efficient, right?
The panini the panko the pando the panny the panda the panera the pandora the panasonic – unconsciously you take a mental picture of everyone moving us further and further away from reality for a joke that is best described as tasteless – not lacking in couth, but literally having the texture, smell, and sensation of an overcooked lasagna noodle that sat in your fridge overnight, uncovered in order for it to soak up the aura of miscellaneous wilted lettuces and forgotten takeout and half-cut onion(s), but…it doesn’t actually taste like anything. An olfactory haunting. At least if it tasted bad it would have made a choice.
That’s where my mind goes when I try to reconcile your joke with reality.
The people who claim to “just use humor and dark jokes to cope” are 10/10 times the least funny people, least clever people you’ve encountered in your entire life. I’ve all but given up comedy, so when I say that I hope every politician who held office over the last twenty years (“Twenty?! But-” Yes.) gnashes their teeth in the lake of fire forever but only if it’s being streamed on every screen in front of every man, woman, and child not only in America, but every country around the world and there should be a non-profit set up to deliver iPads to the most remote areas of this world so that everyone can hear the good news. And it’s actually the only thing available to watch, but as it turns out, it’s the only thing people want to watch, so it just stays on like that never-ending fireplace on Netflix that we all cozy up to while we blast the AC so that we can wear sweaters and be cozy and ignore the fact that it’s the hottest Christmas on record. Again.
I’m being very serious. I don’t want to cope. I want revenge.
I Google (a wonderful corporate approved verb!!) “COVID testing Atlanta” for the 7605th time and I’m directed to the Walgreens website and the CVS website and the Target Pharmacy website and the Publix website. I see several news reports there are no at-home COVID tests anywhere. I imagine going into a CVS or a Walgreens and asking them if they know when they will have more. She’s so tired of having to deal with this on the poverty wages that corporations have been kind enough to give her and her voice hits a particular pitch which is totally justifiable! But every time I leave my house, my nerves becomes a little more frayed and I feel bad for making her job harder because it’s not fair! Why is it still like this! And you would keep it together so that you don’t cry in front of her because best case scenario, she just writes you off as a Karen, but worst case scenario she feels really bad for making you cry and she might even get in trouble for making a customer (a white woman) cry and it’s not her fault!
You’re back at Fulton County’s website. Their testing is performed by a company called Mako Medical. They suggest registering in advance, you know because you’ve gone through them before. You think about every medical manufacturer and pharmaceutical company and CVS and laboratory and testing facility and health insurance conglomerate that now has your name and email and address and last 4 of your social and every symptom you experienced (multiplied by how many times you’ve been tested) and your mind begins to break when you attempt to wrap it around how often you hear people yell at each other about getting tested or not getting tested. And how testing actually…has very little to do with public health at this point. It’s virtue signaling. It’s a little piece of paper that says, “I care!!!!” so that they don’t actually have to care.
When did everything become so political? Everything is so political! I’m miss the days when everything wasn’t so political.
And every third person tells you that they’re “over this pandemic” as if the solution to this whole thing is rolling your eyes and every fourth person tells you that they just can’t live in fear anymore which you didn’t notice as they always seemed to be having fun at every party posted pictures from. I’ve always found that fun is the antithesis of fear, but who knows. And everyone tells you that the end is in sight and everyone seems really, really hopeful even though “the end” is just…everyone getting used to our new life. You tell your friend that you can’t sleep because you’re stressed and he asks you why you’re stressed and you say “…I don’t know” which is true but also you do know because you’re stressed because you feel a deep sense of despair when you take everything in both present and past and future.
People I know ask me are you okay?? People want to catch up and ask how have you been??
So for all concerned parties, here is my prepared statement:
1. No
2. Bad.
“Why??? What’s up???” And you legitimately feel like society is truly gaslighting you but you can’t even fucking use that word anymore because Teen Vogue wrote an article called “Donald Trump Is Gaslighting America” 3 million years ago so maybe you’ll just split the difference and say that America is in an abusive relationship with COVID-19. Covid needs to respect our boundaries.
I have decided to fight alongside covid. I remember that old bag of hot air Malcolm Gladwell once say that it was irrational to root for the underdog because there’s a reason they never win. In our story, humanity is absolutely the underdog. The virus is smart and strong and adaptable! How exciting is that? Me and the novel coronavirus saw you across the bar and we’re gonna kick your ass.